Valentine’s Day is a fickle beast. On one hand, it’s an opportunity to spend time with the one you love, an opportunity to show that person how deeply you care for him or her and just how much he or she means to you. On the other hand, it’s a fictional, unnecessary, overpriced piece of garbage concocted by Corporate America to sell cards and chocolates. In case you were wondering, I am single.
Luckily, my aggressive abstinence has hopefully been converted into humor for you guys. I, like most 20 year olds in 2014, have a Tinder account. Tinder is the perfect place to just throw things out there and see what happens: there is very little ready information about you, and the probability of an IRL encounter with any of those people is slim to none. Therefore, I decided to throw caution to the wind and open conversation with my matches using Ginuwine lyrics. The following images are the result of my endeavor.
Believe it or not, I do have friends. And many of those friends are friends with some of these girls. So there is a chance greater than zero that I irreparably damaged my reputation in some circles here. And that’s fine, I guess. I’ll get back to you guys on that one.
Also HUGE shoutout to Eric for putting together the artwork at such short notice. Throw him some props.
This was probably my favorite interaction, as well as my favorite lyric to use (the opening lines of “So Anxious”). Right from the get-go you can see that she feels very strongly that Ginuwine is not her type, and even uses some vernacular that I haven’t been familiar with since middle school. Maybe she’s more of an Usher girl.
This one was a blow to the ego. The lyric (from “None Of Ur Friends Business”) isn’t even that inappropriate, I basically asked her out on a date, although I guess no one has said “grab a bite” since Friends was still on the air so that probably wasn’t very clear. Also not sure how I feel about the use of “LOL” rather than “lol.” On the one hand, “LOL” seems to convey genuine laughing, but on the other “lol” is v condescending. I’ll call it a wash.
I didn’t really take any issue with this response to the hook from “Stingy,” to be honest. It wasn’t condescending really, and it didn’t really come after me at all. I just think it’s grounded in ignorance. I mean, say there is something I should get checked out. Anything detrimental can be healed with a healthy dose of Ginuwine, and if I’m sending you Ginuwine lyrics on Tinder then obviously I’m getting my daily allowance of G. I don’t get it. (Also, Tinder, I’ve obviously said hello already. I’ve gone above and beyond that. Get it together.)
(That’s the point.)
WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER. I probably should have asked her to be my Valentine, to be honest.
Last month it was Barack Obama singing “Get Lucky”, and this month it’s Bill Clinton singing Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines.” This shit is too funny. The best part of it all comes in right after the 1:00 mark when Bill chants “I know you want it” and it cuts to Joe Biden slowly noddin his head like “mmmmhm.” He wants it. Great work again, baracksdubs.
1. A joke about jungle fever.
2. But why?
3. Hi, my name is Kanye.
What happens when you put Parks & Rec writer Joe Mande, Workaholics writer Noah Garfinkel, and some extra time together? Well, you get LA via NYC comedy show Totally J/K… but you also get this video. Just hit play and watch a slideshow of the two comedians’ loose translation of the French pair’s hit. Shout out to Johnny Galecki. Shout out to this long-awaited Johnny Galecki x Daft Punk collaboration.
Honesty time: I don’t really listen to Prince. I’ve always been more of an MJ guy, and I guess I’ve just never committed the time to actually investigating into Prince’s material. Because I’m lazy. Which, if you know me, explains a lot of things, but that’s besides the point.
Still, I appreciate Prince for what he is: a pop icon, a legend of the music industry, and… something else. Everyone knows the famous Chappelle Show skit of the basketball game at Prince’s house (“Game… blouses), but that was made up, right? Wrong. That actually happened. I believe there are sources out there to confirm this which I cannot find right now, but when I first heard that I was like, “Holy shit, seriously? Nah. No way Prince of all people does this. What the hell happens with Prince that we don’t know about because Dave Chappelle went batshit?”
And then, about a month or so ago, I stumbled upon what could be my best discovery since sliced bread: Stories About Prince. Not sure who writes these, but they are absolutely genius. Chronicling his various interactions with Prince, the author has written about Prince Buys Tortillas, Prince
Taking the Subway Needs Cab Fare, and Prince Plays MiniGolf (see picture above, probably my favorite). Make sure you throw the site a Like on Facebook, too.
Are they true? I’ll leave that up to you to decide.
BONUS: Watch Kevin Smith Talk About Making a Documentary For Prince
Firstly, shoutout to Jack Devine, a classmate of mine at Central Catholic in Pittsburgh (the greatest high school ever in the history of high schools [shoutout Dan Marino]) for bringing this to my attention. In 2011, Kevin Smith was at Kent State University giving a lecture or fielding questions or something. A student brought up an alleged documentary that Smith made for Prince, and Smith tells what could be the best story of all time. It’s a fairly long video (30 minutes), but definitely worth watching all the way through. It got to the point where I was hysterically laughing in the library probably causing someone to tweet about how annoying I was being.
“It’s 3 in the morning. In Minnesota. I really need a camel.” – Prince
After a full week of appearances on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Justin Timberlake and host Jimmy Fallon finally performed the anticipated History of Rap 4. These things just never get old. Included in this year’s performance are Notorious BIG, Macklemore, Eminem, Jay-Z, Missy Elliott, Lil Bow Wow, Sir Mix-A-Lot, 50 Cent, Nelly, A Tribe Called Quest, Wiz Khalifa, Trinidad James, and more. I need to get drunk with these fellows…we’d have a fucking ball. Their Macklemore moves are my typical dance moves, I think.
Also, I’m not sure how many of these I’ve posted, but for kicks, here’s History of Rap 2 for your viewing pleasure.
Some of the best quotes from the video:
- [Danny Brown laughs]
- Well that’s kinda true! I have fucked an obese chick in my laugh! And you know, more cushion kinda works out better!
- Who wants to feel good naturally, man? That’s what emotions are for! You supposed to be upset sometimes, and you should be happy sometimes. And if molly makes me extremely happy, and I can be a little sad about that after, then…I’ll take that.
- [Danny Brown laughs]
- Q: Who has more yellow teeth? A: Obviously, A$AP Rocky Teeth is gold, so I think I win that one, so shouts out to you for noticing that!
- I laughed extremely a lot
- You already know what it’s gonna be! Veneers in a few years!
- [Danny Brown laughs]
- Fuck you and your skinny ass mosquito leg joint!
- To the people that comment on YouTube videos, you need to find something to do with your lives. You can prevent forest fires.
Kanye – you make a lot of people feel a lot of things. For some (T. Swift), that is feeling is fear/hate, for some (Jay-Z), it is man-love, or…real love? or..love of money?, for white people, you inspire a deep love of alleged street cred, and for the woman formerly known as Lindaresa, you inspire total obsession. To be fair, if my name were Lindaresa, I too would consider a name change. However, KANYERESA would not be my first choice. Neither would tattooing his name across my posterior and down my arm, but I’m just not one for inking.
The woman, who you can see here in all her glory, legally changed her name to Kanyeresa West. Naturally, she prefers to go by Mrs. Kanye West. It is unclear how Yeezy feels about the Mrs. The young(?) lady in question seems to have no job but loving Kanye, as her current projects include music, multiple movies and a book all devoted to her obsession. The good news out of this – she is semi-literate. And persistent: “Until he say, “You’re crazy,’ or until he gets married, I’m gonna keep on going.”
When you have legally changed your name, dedicated your every waking moment to artistic tributes to someone, and permanently etched multiple references to said human on your body…where else is there to go?
Signs point to…downward spiral. Over/under on restraining order by Valentines Day?
Grizzly Bear – terrifying but adorable carnivore or indie band from Brooklyn?
Both. But here we tend to talk more about music than forest creatures, so let’s talk a little bit about Ed Droste, frontman of Grizzly Bear. One time, there were reports of him “canoodling” with Sarah Silverman, but turns out, he’s MARRIED. To a man. Sorry Sarah, no more canoodles for you.
Fun fact: Droste’s second cousin co-founded Hooters.
Droste’s husband, Chad McPhail, is an excellent looking man, and if you want to take a peek here’s a Tumblr of lots of couple pics of the duo. From this, we also learn that they have an adorable dog. Of course they do.
Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake are taking me on a trip down memory lane. This shit is hilarious. They killed it back in the day with Part 1, and now, lucky for us, they’re back with a Part 2 of their “History of Rap” series from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I’m not going to go into much detail so I don’t spoil it for yall, but a sneak preview of a few songs they picked: “The Breaks” – Kurtis Blow, “Ice Ice Baby” – Vanilla Ice, “In Da Club” – 50 Cent … ya that’s enough for yall. Watch the video. Hilarious. (Shout out to my girl Mollie for the heads up on this one.)
Lady Gaga needs to learn some boundaries. Not that she hasn’t already steamrolled pretty much all things considered borderline appropriate, but there are some things she might want to be a little more sensitive to. Like physical disabilities.
While “performing” in Sydney on Wednesday, Gaga decided it’d be fun to cruise around in a wheelchair while on stage while singing her song “Yoü and I.” While I’m all for unnecessary umlauts, I’m not for unnecessary use of wheelchairs. Unless you are using them for jousting. Needless to say, this upset some fans, who lashed out by throwing eggs at the Gags and her entourage. The eggs all missed the singer, but hit some of her posse. Perhaps it was due to the thrower’s disabilities.
In Lady Gaga’s defense, during the wheelchair escapade, she was clad as her “new mermaid alter ego Yuyi.” Good thing she has a new mer-ego. I was getting bored of the “insane” alter ego. So her legs were strapped together in a fin costume making it difficult/impossible to walk like a human. Being Yuyi is hard…mermaids are supposed to be in the ocean, hanging with Sebastian and Flounder and Scuttle, not up on the land mingling with the humans. Once you get out of the ocean (or pool as seems to be the case with Lady’s hair situation), it’s a big scary world of egg throwing Australians with bad aim trying to ruin your pleather mermaid fin.
Roll away fast, Gags, maybe like…off a raised stage. Then you might really need ambulatory assistance.
T-Pain is making power moves. Besides naming his children things like Lyriq and Muziq. Which is a very powerful thing to do.