23 October 2013

10 Things I Hope Lorde Gets To Do Now That She’s Famous

posted by: Eric Lists & Rankings

It happened. Lorde made it. She’s famous. Now what?

Every day we write about emerging young artists who are “about to be the next big thing.” We hear something we like, we get excited, and can’t help but hype the artist as a future household name. Sometimes that actually happens and it’s really exciting. In reality though, a lot of these artists end up carving out modest careers for themselves but never quite crossover to big mainstream success. Of course, Lorde is a different story. Less than a year after quietly uploading “The Love Club” to Soundcloud, she finds herself with one of the biggest songs in the world and the newfound spotlight of a legitimate pop star. It’s the kind of overnight success that could really only happen in 2013.

So what’s next? Does she continue to improve and mature into a legend? Or will the fame get to her head, driving her career into the tailspin we’ve seen ruin so many child stars that came before? Obviously it’s too early to tell, but I’m rooting for Lorde. She’s always had a likeable down-to-earth demeanor that made her feel like “one of us”, and I hope she gets to take advantage of all this attention to do a bunch of cool stuff the rest of us can only dream about.

With that in mind, continue reading for 10 things I hope Lorde gets to do now that she’s famous

Just the thought of Lorde and Kanye West sitting in a studio together prompted this whole article and all the embarrassing photoshopped fantasies that go along with it. I mean, can you imagine what a studio session with these two would be like? I picture them at a secret recording studio in an old castle somewhere in Europe, bonding over a shared distaste for Taylor Swift, and working on life-changing music that none of us actually deserve but all so obviously need. I imagine Kanye hunkered over a grand piano, recreating a leftover beat from the lavish MBDTF sessions as Lorde improvises an emotionally charged hook. The finished song will then go on to enlighten the world, ignite a revolution towards world peace, and change all our lives for the better. I feel like my expectations are realistic.

Lorde Music Video Tyler The Creator
Imagine a pack of suburban kids riding horses through the majestic countryside of New Zealand (in slow motion obviously) as the opening verse of “White Teeth Teens” plays in the background. After a few seconds, the song breaks down at the point where Lorde admits she isn’t a white teeth teen and the kids’ faces turn into cartoon caricatures of themselves. Then a giant tiger jumps out of nowhere with Lorde riding on its back in a whole “Never Ending Story” scenario. Then the tiger eats all the kids, the video ends, and Lorde sits back and waits for the VMAs to roll in. Awesome, right? That’s what I picture would happen if Tyler, The Creator directed a music video for Lorde. His version would obviously be even crazier, though. Seeing as he never stops talking about how he wants to quit rapping and focus on directing full time, I actually wouldn’t be shocked if something like this happened. I mean, if he’s already directed a video for Mountain Dew, I like Lorde’s chances.

Lorde royal wedding
This sounds lazy at first. “Royals” at a royal wedding. Obvious. Lame. I know. Until you start thinking about it actually happening. A bunch of weird pretentious inbred royals forced to pause their attention-starved “special day” for a moment. All dressed up in their traditional attire, they’d have to watch a little girl from New Zealand sing about never wanting to be a royal and craving “a different kind of buzz”. What if she decided to cut the song short after the “we’re not caught up in your love affair” line and drop the mic like a corny battle-rapper from the 90s? I’d suffer through a 10 hour BBC Royal Wedding broadcast for that.

Lorde South Park
“Any publicity is good publicity” and “If you have haters, you’re doing something right” are cliches for a reason: They’re accurate. If no one’s making fun of you, you’re probably not very relevant. Basically, if South Park isn’t spoofing you, no one’s talking about you. At this point, Lorde is due for some negative press (or at least a parody or two) and I really hope South Park is involved when it happens. It’s like a right of passage for anyone with cultural relevance. Even though Kanye still seems upset about the “gay fish” episode, I thought it was hilarious and still play that song at inopportune times at parties all the time. It’s great. I’d love to see Lorde show up as an exchange student from New Zealand for an episode and watch Cartman go on a quest to prove she was sent by “the hobbits” to spy on America’s shoe industry. Or something much funnier than that. I don’t know. Cartman and Lorde is just too great of a combination to pass up.

Lorde Ben & Jerry's
At some point, this girl is going to make you really sad. You’ll either fall in love with her and realize it’ll never work out because she’s sixteen and lives on the other side of the world, or you’ll come to the humbling realization that a self-admitted socially awkward teenager is cooler than you’ll ever be. Either way, at that point you’ll probably want to drown your sorrows in a heaping bowl of sweet, pure heroin. Then, thankfully, you’ll snap to your senses and turn to a slightly less self-destructive bowl of “Pure Heroine”, Ben & Jerry’s new flavor of peppermint ice cream. Crisis averted.

Lorde Panther
After keeping her identity hidden for months after the release of debut EP “The Love Club”, Lorde finally released a photo of herself sitting next to a dog. At the time it was pretty awesome. When you become an international pop star though, a regular looking dog doesn’t cut it anymore. You need something more exotic and irresponsible. Justin Bieber has a pet monkey and Vanilla ice has a pet wallaroo (seriously, look it up). Lorde needs something fierce and powerful. Someone, please let this sixteen-year-old girl adopt a panther. It’s a good idea. I promise.

Lorde Reality TV ShowStay with me on this one. Reality TV is awful. I know. Reality stars are horrible attention-starved people. I get it. But if you’ve ever been sitting there on a Tuesday night with your girlfriend watching an old re-run of “Life of Ryan”, you’ve probably thought to yourself at some point, “Man, I really wish I was watching someone who could piece together an intelligent thought instead of this idiot”. That someone is Lorde. I don’t want her to be ruined by the world of reality TV, but I can’t help but want to see what goes on in her life offstage. I have grand delusions of her strolling through real-life New Zealand Lord of The Rings scenery discussing philosophy with world leaders while humming future worldwide pop hits. And yeah, I realize it would just be a ton of shots of her staring into an iPhone in boring airports. I don’t care. Even that sounds better than anything playing on E! right now.

Get In A Rap Beef Kendrick
Kendrick Lamar really wants a rap beef and I think I found a worthy opponent. This could easily be the worst idea on this whole ridiculous list (and might actually be one of the few things that could derail her promising career), but what if Lorde released a diss song about Kendrick? Her music is heavily inspired by hip-hop, she has a higher-charting single than Kendrick has ever had, and she’s in a position that would force Kendrick to take notice. Half of me would cringe really hard if this actually happened, but what if she killed it somehow and got away with it? How awesome would that be? A Kendrick-Lorde rivalry. It’s too weird not to root for.

Saturday Night Live
I’m as caught up in Justin Timberlake mania as the next guy, but the world is begging for another pop star who can sing and hold their own as the host of SNL. Someone besides Justin has to be versatile enough to join up with Jimmy Fallon for music-related sketches with The Roots. Is he really the only one? There aren’t any new artists ready to take his place? Could it be Lorde? At 16, she’s pretty socially awkward and doesn’t have any acting experience that I know of, but I’ve seen plenty of personality in interviews to know she has it in her. Maybe start her out in a random “Shy Ronnie” sketch, let her build some confidence and then eventually host the show. We could even kill two birds with one stone and convince Lorne Michaels to let her co-host with Kanye West. Throw in Taylor Swift as the musical guest. Tell me the ratings wouldn’t be insane for that.

Lorde Interview Eric Skelton
Ok, this one is obviously really selfish, but I need to overcome the biggest regret of my not-quite-started journalism career. Around 9 months ago I flaked out on the chance to interview Lorde. After “The Love Club” came out, I sent an e-mail to her management team asking for an interview. A few days later I received a positive response and went to work writing questions to prepare for a quick little interview. Then I got distracted, life got in the way, several months passed, and I looked up to see her face on the cover of Billboard Magazine. It was too late. I blew my chance.

So, Lorde… now that you’re famous, let’s do that interview. We’ll talk about our shared views on the world and become lifelong friends. It’ll help me get over this horrible regret and I might even stop photoshopping these weird fantasies I have for your life. Maybe.

Or maybe you shouldn’t listen to me at all. Actually, don’t listen to anybody. Look how far your own instincts have brought you. Don’t feed into celebrity bullshit like I just did.



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